I looked fantastic in my suit. It wasn’t to my taste but I looked damn tasty in the thing. So much so, they even entrusted me with a laser pointer without any training or license of any kind.
On that note, it’s important to mention that the only training I did receive was to make sure I could read the teleprompter, and boy could I. I literally knew every word that was on there. I’d heard them all before. This meant I bored easily.
I did my first live broadcast on my first full day, which in my mind went reasonably well. I read the teleprompter superbly, bending the truth where need be, and because I hadn’t had any training with the green screen, I just guessed where I was talking about. To make it more interesting, I’d shout things like “Burn your umbrella!” when sun was forecast or “Nipples out people!”
On the morning of my second day I was called in for a disciplinary. Something about professionalism. I could see the poor HR lady had brought in an umbrella because I said rain was due, even though the forecast was actually for clear blue skies and highs of 23. It was clear evidence to me that she was just out to get me. I ended the meeting abruptly by shooting a laser into the HR lady’s eye which forced her to take an early lunch.
I hate being cornered unfairly, so before they could stop me, I ran into a live broadcast and told the viewers that it’s not safe to get on any trains today because of an electrical misalignment and that sun cream is just moisturiser with added water.
As security tackled me to the ground, I tried to laser them off of me but managed to laser my own eye. I couldn’t see a thing, I couldn’t see where they were taking me, until my shoulder crashed down on wet concrete. They’d rather rudely thrown me out of the building and into the rain, then ignored my cries of “Rain, I should have known eh?!” At a minimum it should have made them laugh, and maybe even question the actual forecast of blue skies and highs of 23…
The whole mess went viral, brought millions of eyes to the show and I thought that meant they might change their mind and say I did a marvellous job. However, they didn’t.
I’ve no regrets, but I often wonder what the HR lady’s face looked like, when she saw that I’d reapplied for the job.
Poem | Sunnin’ Hell
Training camp was brutal.
Each weather cadet trying to out tough the others.
Rachel lost two toes standing in the snow.
Harold got taken by a tornado.
I went blind from staring at the sun.
And Heather spent so much time in drizzle she was diagnosed with clinical depression.
P.S. We don’t mention Tim because he spent so long in front of a green screen he lost sight of reality and got himself sectioned.
Henry Mulligan 
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