Henry Mulligan

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Far too often I am the smiliest person in the room, and quite often the warmest too if I manage to nab a seat at the front for a cremation. Does this make me evil? Am I in the wrong? I wouldn’t exactly say that it is clear cut.

Sitting on one side of aisle are the grievers, the devastated, the frowning. On the other side, is me, who is having quite a nice time. Whilst they can’t contain their sadness and their world is snotting out of their nose, I am darting about the room with a pack of tissues giving each of them a good old clean. See I love the feeling of being useful, and this method never fails me at funeral. It’s one of my go-to pick me ups because it is guaranteed to work. Would the deceased want me to be sad and not useful?

The sad songs are a bit of a bummer but it turns out there is no rule written into English law that prevents you, at a funeral, putting in requests to the DJ, and if there isn’t a DJ, you can activate your phone’s Bluetooth and take over the decks yourself. As soon as I see a sign of someone crumbling whilst a sad song plays, I quickly get Mambo No. 5 on and walk around saying “They would have loved this!” Would the deceased have objected to their loved ones enjoying a quick dance to Mambo No. 5?

The most difficult part to stomach can often be the family member trying to hold it together during a speech. That’s when the lump in the throat can rear its ugly head and get you, so to avoid this I attempt to do all the speeches myself, to lighten the mood. “I’ve lost my Nan, and a tenner too because I bet she’d make it to 80” is a safe bet for a cackle and applause. Another safe bet is “I’ll miss you dearly, and as promised, I buried the bodies”. The only pickle I can get into with this approach is when I’m not related to the corpse nor close in any way as a friend. I usually say something about the deceased’s role in the community then, but I rarely attend a funeral of someone I don’t really know anyway. So, would the deceased turn in their box at the idea of their funeral being entertaining?

You’ve got to admit, there’s a little bit of you that wants to turn up to the next one with a spring in your step.

Poem | Cheeky Funeral

You couldn’t ask for better weather,
Warm with a cool breeze and cloud,
So in my hat went my feather,
And I stepped out the house feeling proud.

It was the only thing that was missing,
From my cheerful chirpy day,
I was never ever dismissing,
Finding a funeral on my way.

I had to search near and far,
See no one I knew had died,
So I had to follow a widow,
Then sneak into the church and hide.

I covertly went up for my speech,
Eager for a standing ovation,
But the vicar spotted my breech,
His left hook delivered damnation.