These air breathers are living a life I’m struggling to get on board with, despite their attempts to persuade me that blending a few “foods” together is the simplest way to get ahead of my day and would keep me at optimum energy levels for hours on end. Pea protein, chia seeds, other gruel and for the record, what the bleeding hell are flax seeds? I’m not on board.
In their perfectly lit kitchen, with every appliance under the sun behind them, they’ll try and convince us that more than anything, the human body needs this weird concoction of “edible” things in order to thrive. But seriously people, why on earth would the human body evolve to thrive on things that are really hard to eat on their own? Unless of course, the human body has evolved to perfectly align its needs with that of a paid partnership contract… too cynical?
The sad part is, these celebrities are so far up their own backside, innocently or not, that they can’t see the bull poo they’re being fed by the health “experts” who have dug their claws into their lucrative followings. It’s so boring, so very boring, that so many things come back to money, but such is life, such is money.
Maybe I’m wrong, it’s happened once or thrice before, but I have a particularly hard time imagining an impressively athletic human thousands or hundreds of thousands of years ago, expelling energy whilst their survival hangs by a thread, on sniffing out seeds or forging tools to smash up peas to sustain them. Perhaps it’s worth remembering we are but apes with big heads.
In fairness, anything other than processed food is a start, and perhaps I am sick of it in large part due to the fact I am sick of celebrity endorsements in general. I mean, can I blame them for cashing in? Probably not, though it’s not to my taste.
Just don’t go getting fooled by celebrities making smoothies. There might be something worthwhile in some, sure, but do your research. The latest Harry styles song, fancy gym wear and smoothly edited video doesn’t override the fact that half of the celebs spend half of their paid partnership income on their expensive cosmetics routines, and the other half mysteriously only shout about their smoothies every time they get too fat again.
Poem | Smoothie
My cold ridden kitchen had no internet,
So the recipe was done very much from memory.
A vision of mango drifted in so I lobbed one in the container,
Followed by a second bigger mango just to be safe.
After fifteen minutes I remembered two mangoes weren’t enough,
And forty seven thousand flax seeds were hauled over the side and in.
A feint semblance of oat milk floated through my mind’s eye,
But with the absence of oat milk I dinked some porridge oats in instead.
I was ravished by this point and had a meeting in three hours,
So in went some frozen peas, ninety grapes and a pint of squash.
Drinking the thing was near impossible and took an hour and a half,
But mixing it by hand after remembering I didn’t have a blender…
That was the nail in the coffin of the meeting I missed.
Henry Mulligan 
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